Before you read this I do have to warn you that this might be triggering to some people. I used to read stories like this and sometimes is would cause further curiosity rather than inspiring the journey of freedom. You know yourself and what’s best for you.
My church recently did a series on being chained in sin and how Jesus rescues us and you can listen to that HERE but living in sin doesn’t only apply to having sex before marriage, reading erotica’s, watching porn etc. It also applies to living in anger, fear etc. it’s all the mentioned in the series. The cool thing is that I was set free and have been living in freedom for about four months which doesn’t sound like a lot but if you’re in the cycle you know it’s massive! If I hadn’t been set free a few months ago it would have come up recently when we were doing the series. I remember how at the end of the series, about three weeks ago, we had a praise and worship evening and I remember how I was able to sing songs about freedom from a place of freedom and how I got the new Hillsong United album which came out earlier this year and so many of the songs are about freedom and grace and I can sing those songs from a place of freedom!
But that’s not where the story starts and it was a battle to get here. Around the time that I started going to boarding school there were websites called Quotev and Wattpad that came up and the concept behind them was really smart. They were platforms for aspiring writers to show their books and people could read, rate, comment on them etc. I love reading and also writing but especially reading a book and visualizing things. It’s amazing how people can string together a series of words to form a beautiful piece of art.
So I was going to boarding school and people around me were reading all these books and I joined in. If you’ve been to boarding school you’ll know there’s a big culture of sharing and the same applies to movies. So we’d share movies with each other and this was around the time that Fifty Shades Of Grey came out. So not only was I reading all these fiction books but I was watching movies like Fifty Shades Of Grey. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t think there’s anything wrong with fiction books or movies but when the books you’re reading are essentially pornography then there’s a problem. So when I left boarding school I dived into Wattpad and binge watching movie series, which is where I discovered my love for Grey’s Anatomy, since the home school was only for half a day. I stopped Wattpad for about a year and a half and I was okay and then I got back into it.
Except this time it was worse. This was after I got baptized in 2016 and was back on track with the Lord. This time not only was I reading Wattpad but I progressed into getting ebooks and pdf’s of erotica’s and these very graphic books. I knew it was wrong but I was also trapped. I would get prayer and words from God then a few weeks/ days later fall back into it. I would repent and say I’m not doing it again then be up all night the next week absorbed in these books. It was an endless hamster wheel cycle.
Then this February I had just spent a few days heavily immersed in the books when I decided to go to a Young Adults evening on a Tuesday at my church. The irony about sin is that it pushes you away from God and the last thing you want to do is to go to church, serve God or spend time with Him. Around this time there was also a delay in me going to university (which I talk about a little more on the podcast) so I was stuck at home with all this time to myself. Even though I really didn’t want to go to Young Adults I went anyway and that evening the lady speaking was talking about sin and breaking it. Something was different this time though she said when she struggled with sin and she was tempted she would say to herself IT’S NO LONGER I WHO LIVES BUT CHRIST WHO LIVES WITHIN ME (Galatians 2:20). By doing this she was taking the focus from herself and whether or not she could overcome the sin and placing it on Christ and the fact that the same power that rose Jesus from the dead lives in us. We CANNOT fight sin by ourselves, trust me I’ve tried plenty of times. Only through God’s power can we truly fight sin and live in true freedom. She then asked if anyone wanted prayer and I was so scared but I put my hand up anyway and got prayer. Then that Sunday at church the speaker was talking about living in habitual sin and between Tuesday and Sunday I hadn’t read my erotica’s, which was a small miracle in itself. After he finished speaking he asked if anyone needed freedom, to put up their hand and I was so scared but I saw people putting up their hands so I raised mine up and some beautiful ladies prayed for me. Somehow I knew that I had true freedom, this time was different. A few Sundays later a song about freedom was being played and for the first time in a long time I could sing from a place of freedom and not struggling with sin and wanting to be free.
It definitely wasn’t easy and even now I know that I don’t go on my phone late at night, read ebooks or fiction books or watch certain things. I know my boundaries and unfortunately I’ll probably have to have these up for the rest of my life. Different things trigger different people and you cannot look at someone else’s boundaries to define yours. When I was living in sin I would tell myself that I could just read that one book and I’d be fine but I was fooling myself and soon I’d find myself at the bottom of the rabbit hole. The best thing to do is to just stay away and put up additional boundaries. On a highway the boundary isn’t right at the end but there’s some road after the boundary then the end of the road.
If you’re living in any kind of sin you HAVE TO speak it out and tell someone because bringing shame and sin to the light makes it lose its power. This was hard for me and I only told like three people but I put it out there. You also have to be SO honest with both the people around you and with yourself. Friend, God’s power can overcome anything and He CAN AND WILL set you free. My verse of the year which I set about three quarters into last year is 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 which says:
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
And many times I begged and wanted to be living in freedom but God’s grace is sufficient for me, like the verse. If you are living in sin I want you to know that freedom is NOT IMPOSSIBLE, God gives a way out and He is faithful. Like I said earlier if I hadn’t been set free on February there would’ve been a major opportunity now again. The thing is unrepentant sin stops certain things that God has in store for you and I have seen such amazing things happen in these past four months that I haven’t been living in sin, which I unfortunately caused myself. Sin is not something to play around with but freedom is possible.
I go a lot more in depth with the podcast episode which is coming out in a few days on 8 JULY which you can listen to HERE. This quote by Christian Huff, Sadie Robertson’s fiancé describes everything perfectly:
“If it breaks God’s heart, why do you think it will fulfill yours?“ – Christian Huff